Eyelash Curlers Were Born From Satan’s Armpit

Eyelashes are a fascination of many and a great topic to talk about. Makeup lovers put them through major abuse, whether it be with extremely heavy mascara or fake eyelashes, while normal people might just throw on a light layer of it or nothing at all. But one thing these groups have in common is using an eyelash curler, and I’m here to tell you that they are terrible and evil.

Imagine a bright, sunny day. You are in your room, trying to take your typical self from a 2 to a 2.5. You take out an eyelash curler, expecting it to work, right? You put your eyelashes in between the bars, and you close. You pump the arms a few times, and then DISASTER STRIKES. Your eyelashes in the process become tangled and stuck in the cheaper 99-cent store metal abomination that was probably made with the hands of a seven-year-old Chinese boy. A large clump of lashes is ripped from your body, being crushed to death in the arms of the devil’s work.

At first, you don’t realize it. Your eyes look as normal as you can get them, but then you look down and scream. Sitting in the curler, dead and decaying, are your eyelashes. You scream, not knowing what to do. It looks like you just blended foundation onto your eyelashes, but in reality, they aren’t there. They’re gone.

Doll Joints (CC BY 2.0)

You crawl into bed and cry dramatically, wondering how life will go on without your middle eyelashes on the right eye (Hint: it will.) I tried to disguise the monstrosity with mascara, but that failed. It made the gap even more prominent, just flanked by black, spidery lashes. This is probably the end of the world, but it’s fine, I’ll wear sunglasses 24/7.