A Letter to My Freshmen Year Self

Dear Kieran,

Look, man. As proud as I am of all the things you accomplished last year, there were definitely some ‘oof’ moments you could’ve prevented.

Example #1: Those Track Running Shorts

Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy. Honestly, shorts aren’t the right word. I think they were more of a mini-skirt. I’m not sure what the best alternative would have been; maybe you could’ve worn some Adidas sweats or gotten some athletic leggings, but let me tell you: those half-inch shorts weren’t the way. You see this right here?

Me wearing track running shorts

Not okay. Never ever okay.

Example #2: The G by Guess Sneakers

WHAT ARE THOSE?! Honestly, those shoes aren’t all that bad, but after seeing mom’s face when you walked out of that store, I think you should’ve gone headed over to good ol’ Foot Locker or something.

Example #3: Wasting 11 Weeks Binge Watching Netflix Shows

I don’t regret this at all. Not in the slightest. Honestly, I’m not even mad at you for this one, but there are definitely some things you should’ve done better. First off, you should’ve given up on Arrow after season 3 when the dude left an inhospitable island after 2 years and went to Russia instead of back home. Come on Kieran. Not okay.

I know you liked The Shannara Chronicles, but watching it without Mom and Dad was kind of awful. Don’t be selfish, Kieran. F is for friends, not foolery.

Example #4: The Slide Phone

Oof, dude. Just oof. There is no reason you shouldn’t have mowed someone’s lawn to make sure that this didn’t happen. It was absolutely unacceptable for you to have to send a tectonic tremor throughout the Western Hemisphere every time you want to answer a text message. I think that getting roasted on a daily basis by A-TECH students (the nerdiest of nerds, the geekiest of geeks, the memiest of memes) should have been inspiration enough to not let this be your life.

My slide phone

Example #5: Not Keeping Up With The Waves

It took you four months to get waves in your hair for the first time, Kieran. That was the pinnacle of your entire existence. The waves gave you purpose — allowed you to flourish and endure throughout the tragedies of life without breaking. There was ancestral energy within those crests, but because you decided to be lazy and stop brushing your hair on a regular basis, your scalp is now flatter than the Bolivian Salt Flats. Nice.

Example #6: The Joggers

Okay, so this one kind of runs overboard to sophomore year, too. During freshman year, you discovered the jogger fad and pretty much fell into it face first. You wore joggers every day. Every. Single. Day. I think you may have had an addiction to those pants. That’s like washing and reusing the same shirt every day before going to school. It’s ridiculous, bro, and you’d better be thankful that Mom found some jeans at Old Navy (a.k.a. the plug) that actually fit.

Example #7: Actually Studying for Band Tests

Now, I’m not saying band isn’t important, but you were good enough last year to get 100% on the tests without spending an hour playing the same song. The selections weren’t even super difficult last year, dude; honestly, you could’ve put those efforts toward more important things like eating cheese and crackers and procrastinating. Duh.

Honorable Mention: Filthy Glasses

My glasses are still dirty most of the time, but I blame you for this. If you had bothered to learn to clean them the right way, this wouldn’t have to be an oof. How did you manage to try cleaning them with everything EXCEPT a lens rag? Dude, you literally used a do-rag and the leg of your jeans (that’s about as much usage as those jeans got anyway) to clean your glasses. Just wow.

All in all, you just didn’t live up to your maximum potential last year, Kieran. I mean, hats off for a solid effort, but all of these things averaged together with the ashy knees and dirty nails makes for one not very freshman. It’s okay, though. You can’t win ’em all.