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Why Do Pale People Burn Like Forest Fires?

Drew Comer, Cub Reporter

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To all pale people: we’ve been there. It doesn’t matter if you have a one inch layer of sunscreen on, you will walk inside and be a tomato. All you would need to do is dye your hair green and you’d blend right in at the produce section in Whole Foods.

Even though this really sucks, why does this happen to us? Why can’t we be as lucky as the people that don’t burn worse than a fire running through Mount Charleston in 40 MPH winds? Maybe some of us like being pale, and some of us don’t, but what is the science behind burning from the fiery ball of deadly gases and the power to eliminate the solar system that is 93 million miles away?

First, let’s talk about the cell that causes this to happen: melanin. Melanin gives you the color in your skin, some people have more and some people have less. Melanin can cause people with lighter skin to turn red, and people who have darker skin to turn darker, or tan. So thanks melanin, I enjoy looking like a tomato. Elmo who?

Another problem is sunscreen. Yes, surprisingly sunscreen is a giant issue. Wouldn’t you think that most of them would actually work and be helpful? WRONG. NOPE. NOT TODAY SATAN. Most sunscreens are more deceptive than IRS. SPF (Sun Protection Factor) can only go up to SPF 100, which means that every sunscreen above 100, which there is a lot of them, are complete liars. So no, an SPF 400 sunscreen can not and will not help you in any way. It is literally false advertisement. SUE THEM. Sunscreen with values between 15-100 are the only ones that will work. Sashay away SPF 250.

But y’all, there are so many ways to cure sunscreen damage. The best thing to probably use would be moisturizer if you have damage on your face. The OFRA x Kim Thai Wanderlust moisturizer is seriously so good, it will take your skin being in critical condition after being hit by a car to healthier skin than a newborn.

Another way to rid your sunburn of actually existing would be to buy sunburn-specific products. Those can be extremely expensive sometimes, so aloe vera is a really good option to treat sunburns.

So in the end, us pasty people will probably never find a solution for our tomato-ness and peeling skin worse than an onion other than to stay indoors for the rest of your life. I advise you do that. Unless you decide to go tanning, which will probably kill your skin cells worse than casualties in a nuclear war. Please don’t do that.

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