Michael Casta-NAH-da


Katheryn Ellis

Michael Castaneda eating an orange slice like a savage

Michael Castaneda. This absolute muckraker of a writer has dragged my name through the mud and done his best to expose me of deeds previously un-divulged to any living beings. My honor has been ripped from me like candy from a baby and I shall no longer be silent about it.

In previous articles, Michael has exposed me for eating saltines in Calculus with testimonies from people who would see me burn at the stake. He has brought my “wrong-doings” to light in the story of why people shouldn’t go to the journalism carnival booth. Now, it’s time for my vengeance.

Michael, the filthy saltine eater, has been caught in the act of his misdeeds at long last. On May 3, 2019, around 1:42 p.m., Michael was caught red handed (or rather, orange handed) eating an orange slice in the middle of Calculus AB!

Jennifer Gonzales, an innocent bystander sitting next to Michael, witnessed this horrifying turn of events.

“I felt as if the Michael who had consumed the orange slices next to me was not the real Michael, as if he was a Michael from an alternate dimension. Earlier in the year, Michael was like a saltine police. He would jump at the word ‘saltine’ and glare at us with a passion, even being able to sniff out saltines in anyone’s backpacks. So this criminal activity was out of the ordinary,” Gonzales wept.

Michael’s dislike for the salty cracker snack was apparent the moment I took them out in class to satisfy some of my late-day munchies in the middle of class discreetly. His eyes snapped to the bag in my hand and the crunches coming from the snap and chewing of the food. Since then, he has constantly been on my case about saltines, greeting me in passing in the hallway with a disdainful ‘saltine eater’. My life has been brought to shambles by Michael since that day and I can no longer look my family in the eye, as even they have come to know of my guilt.

“In a sense, I [feel] liberated. [I feel] that I can come out of hiding to eat in class [now that I know Michael can no longer act as if he is guiltless of eating in class],” Gonzales confided.

In lieu of my falling from grace, I have now been able to take Michael with me and revoke the purity he has claimed for himself by proving his sins, with pictures! Michael, your time ends now.

Disclaimer: I’m not actually all that torn up about the events happening with Michael; if anything, they’ve been hilarious! Michael’s a cool dude, but I have to get back at him somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯