A-TECH News for March 13, 1819


Michael Castaneda

A-TECH - March 13, 1819

Good morning, Mavericks! Today looks to be another sweltering desert day, so we’ll catch y’all up with the latest happenings around A-TECH as we summarize all that happened this week.

First off, Chief Synold advised all students to beware of the cowpox infection spreading around the town and take necessary precautions, like applying Gakuru’s Homemade Lion Cream to your back and closing all your curtains to keep the evil spirits out.

“Look, I know that nine of our horses have escaped the stables (God bless, Riley. Best horse I had in years. Heard he’s in Michigan now). I know that a donkey came up yesterday and peed all over the ACT tests,” stressed Synold, “but we just have to put up with this for now, and worry about the bigger threats.”

Meanwhile in AP Calculus, students took a field trip to the cactus fields to learn about using integrals to solve for the volume of a cactus.

“It’s pretty painful,” said senior student Abraham Lincoln, measuring the height of a cactus by putting his thumb against it and using that as a unit of measurement. “I don’t get why we’re doing this, nor what I’m even supposed to do, no matter how many times I reread Ms. Taylor’s sand scriptures.”

New fads have taken A-TECH by storm. One smash hit we’ll cover is a new game students have come up with using a wooden fork and knife.

“We call it Fork Knife,” said freshman student Thomas Edison Sr.. “A hundred students are dropped into a patch of desert, and the last one standing wins. I came up with it myself! Bright idea, huh?”

And lastly, we’ll head over to the anonymous tip bucket to see what students have to say about A-TECH this week:

“The tap water may be contaminated with cholera, but at least the school food here is great. Haven’t gotten an aneurysm from looking at the frozen corn fritters for two whole days now. That’s sure to be a record that’ll last for centuries to come!”

“Ugh, the printing presses haven’t worked for months now. I thought this school was called ‘Advanced Technologies Academy’ for a REASON! COME👏ON👏PEOPLE!!”

“I could not stress how dumb the new donkey stampede evacuation procedure is. Once the chicken alarm starts squawking like it’s giving birth to a blue whale, we’re supposed to stay there for three minutes before we leave the classroom. The alarm can only be triggered from the sheriff’s office, so their reasoning behind this is illogical.”

“APUSH is soooo easy, TBH. I feel sorry for people who have to take this class in like 200 years. They must have so much stuff to go over in so little time. Meanwhile, I’m here just reading about uncle Washington and working 17 hour shifts at the local coal mine. This is the good life.”