General Mills Announces New Flamin’ Hot™ Cheerios


On February 30, General Mills, a cereal company, will release a new Flamin’ Hot™ line of their famous Cheerios.

“What are these for, huh? Why would you use this? Is it because it looks like Takis?” said Student Council President Tanya Yap, in panic.

These Cheerios have been specifically engineered in collaboration with Frito-Lay and CollegeBoard to provide a more “spicy” and “enriching” experience for users of the famous milk absorption devices.

“Finally,” said a (now-dead) spider out by the school’s patio.

CollegeBoard is helping achieve the spicy dream by using its money as a non-profit organization and putting it towards the cereal’s research and development funds.

“Well,” grunted AP Correspondent Daniel Gakuru, as he stood up from a bathtub containing a large surplus of US $100 bills, “we at CollegeBoard, care a lot about our students, and thus we use the sweet dough — I mean money, obtained from AP exams, and use it to invest in projects with great aspirations, marvelous aspirations.”

Walking through Gakuru’s marble mansion, passing past a wall filled with fancy paintings and lion heads, Gakuru detailed more about the dedication CollegeBoard has towards helping students achieve better futures, straying from the initial question about CollegeBoard’s involvement in the investment of the cereal.

“As a non-profit organization, CollegeBoard is magnificent. The AP program helps all students save millions in college fees and helps colleges have an easier time admitting students.”

I then proceeded to ask about what would happen if a student were to study abroad.

“You will not study abroad,” stated Gakuru, raising his voice. “You will stay here. You will take our AP exams. You will go nowhere.”