A-TECH’s Biggest Scandal Yet


From Pexels (Piotr Łohunko)

This Tuesday, a scandal ensued in which a junior by the name of Katheryn Ellis consumed saltines during Kristen Taylor’s 8th period AP Calculus AB class.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t even like saltines,” said Ellis.

While Taylor was out of the classroom, a Ziploc bag containing saltines was stealthily pulled from Ellis’s fanny pack. The perpetrator proceeded to look both sides before breaking the saltine in halves and eating the left half with a soft crunch.

Ellis tried her best to not get exposed and caught by Taylor, “As long as I’m editor, I’ll never let you publish this article,” said the perpetrator. “You can’t prove it.”

Upon discovering this, Taylor showed severe heartbreaking disappointment,“Instead of metal detectors, we need saltine detectors. That student will definitely get kicked out of calculus. We need to like, start war against Russia.”

This incident took place while Taylor was out speaking with fellow math teacher Mike Patterson in an adjacent room. The students were, in the meantime, doing worksheets over the recently lectured concept: chain rule.

“She must’ve been hungry,” said nearby junior Jennifer Gonzalez. “Let her be.”

Saltines were invented in 1802 by Josiah Bent Bakery, sharing similarities with modern soda crackers to compete Pearson & Sons Bakery’s “pilot bread” in Newburyport, Massachusetts. “Premium brand Saltines” were then launched in 1876, with the slogan “Polly wants a cracker.”

“I love saltines, they go great with tomato soup,” said Taylor.

As of October 19, Katheryn still runs among students, still insisting that she never had saltines once.